I don’t think words can justify how i’ve been feeling lately. The days are starting to blend together and winter has never been so cold. My grades have suffered tremendously, and i’m sure it’ll come around to bite me in the ass sometime later. Right now, I don’t want to think anymore. I don’t want to feel. Whatever’s keeping these emotions from hitting home, I pray it stays.. No matter how crippling it is— it’s okay as long as it’ll keep me sane.
As I sit here, typing this I think to myself, why am I so damn empty. My soul and heart feel so lost that it’s crazy. I feel so very lost and confused at the same time. Thoughts of suicide and depression are hitting me.. Why are they hitting me? I never thought that I would become like this. It’s strange and very unfamiliar to be feeling this way. I’m honestly at a loss for words to see how things came to be. Mm, I feel very apathetic about my life currently.
Everything is spinning around me, not that the world revolves around me, but that I’m going too much of a slow pace for the world. Worldy thing’s aren’t that great, but I’m too caught up in the moment to see anything more clearly then what’s in front of me. My spiritual life is in shambles, I can’t really depend on God anymore, I lost that connection that I once had. Probably didn’t lose it, but I’m just not reaching out to Him anymore. I’m currently very ashamed about the fact that my mom boasts the name of Jesus pretty much wherever she goes. I talk about myself being depressed, or saying that I’m going to commit suicide. I don’t know whether it’s about lack of attention, or if it’s the true intentions within my subconcsious. I’m hoping that it’s the first of the two.
I’m not really doing or trying hard enough for school, even though my life is basically hanging by a thread because of the 75, and 65 GPA’s that I’ve acquired from the past two years. I’m truly one heck of an apathetic guy. I really require some sort of miracle to bring me out of this. I’m too weak and feeble, (feable?) to carry on without any help. Smoking and other sin’s are seriously tiring me out, squeezing me of the life that I have.
Honestly, I need some help.
If you live your life trying to correct your sins, what kind of life would that be?
I know it’s not my place to say so, but I think you’re forgetting what it means to be a son of God. Keep in mind what he said and the promise he left. After all, isn’t that what being a Christian is about? Worthless, tired, falling apart and needy of his grace?
Is there even such a thing as a “Good Christian” ?
I know when you look at me you think, “She could’ve been so much more than what she is now.” As if i’ve gone off track, or as if i’m an idea that had potential of actual fame and success. Under your wing, I know I could’ve been someone else.. I would’ve been someone brighter.. Much less cynical and negative than I am now. Probably someone with better values and a shot at fulfilling a dream dreamt by many. Whatever brought me here whether it be fate, destiny, coincidence, or God himself.. I can see why. So I can truthfully say that i’ve had the taste of the best, but I belong right here with the ruins. I’d like it if you stop looking at me as a trainwreck, but someone who’s found her place. I’ll never be able to experience the life and luxury you’ll have, but i’ll have my soul— battered and stitched up by reality along with the stories that’ll last me forever.